Goodbye, Hello

Yesterday at 5 p.m. CST I said 'Hello' to a new chapter in my life and 'Goodbye' to another. In some respects it was both the hardest and easiest thing I've ever done. While we thought we had chosen the best daycare provider possible for our situation, we quickly found out we were wrong. I really shouldn't be so hard on the daycare center though because I think this is just the way all centers handle babies. We soon found out that Maddie spent most of her time in a swing or bouncy seat (generally in a corner or off to the side of the room). I fully expected she would spend time in a swing or bouncy seat, don't get me wrong. When you have a room with six kids under the age of one and only four arms (two staff members), you can't hold each one all the time. I had expected them though to at least rotate through holding each child for a bit. I don't think that was true here. Everything in me just kept saying, "This is not a place for babies. Babies should be with someone who loves them." I just kept thinking, "This isn't right. What are you doing? You've lost one baby. Why would you want to lose precious time with another?" So we knew we had to make a change, and with the help of my boss, I think we came up with a good one. I'll be working ten hours a week and spending the rest of the time with Maddie. I'm pretty excited. :)

Now for the 'Goodbye'... Matt and I have a little saying that we found to be true after we were married: "You can't go back." You see, we were one of the first couples in our group of friends to get married. We moved to a new city and I was commuting two days a week to finish up my degree. We did end up moving back about eight months later, but things just weren't the same with our friends. In fact, they had really started to change right after we got married. It was like we were at different stages of our lives and although Matt and I really wanted to have the same relationship we had always had with our friends, it was if something had changed. We found out that you can't really ever go back and expect things to be the same as they were when you left -- to just pick up where you left off. People move on... life moves on.

So when I came back from maternity leave, things seemed a little different in the office. Everyone was busy with their projects. I was out of the loop. I had been the project manager and the center of a lot of things because of that and suddenly I felt like I was on the outside looking in. No one intended for it to be this way, but I sort of felt like I wasn't needed any more. I missed being in the thick of the projects. I also missed the all-office Starbucks runs each morning, eating our lunches in the conference room or going out to eat a bite, and general joking around in the hallway. There really wasn't much of that because everyone was busy. I completely understand that.

Yesterday passed much the same as any other day would have which was strange. I think that probably made me the saddest. I always pictured my "last day" would be a little different. My new work schedule means I really won't be in the office much at all. I've packed up all my stuff, forwarded my phone and turned in my key. So even though I'm still technically working for my office, it really did feel like a "last day." I'm thrilled to be home with Maddie, but it's strange to wake up and not be going to the place I've gone for the last ten years of my life. The sub-rational part of me fears I won't be missed much. I also suspect in some ways there are probably instances where people are a little relieved that I'm not there.

I've never been very good with transitions in life -- even happy ones. I always mourn the past just a little. I'll miss my time at Web Communications. They were like a second family to me, but I don't have any illusions that I'll be a regular part of the office staff. Not at 10 hours a week. Not with the way we have things set up. We'll still be friends and visit, but it just won't be the same.

So I guess this is 'Goodbye' and 'Hello.'